Reporter’s Notebook

Another year has passed and can’t keep track anymore of all those life-changing moments that have occured the last 365 and plus days of my dear existence…career-wise, sometimes have this burnt-out feeling but still enjoys writing and meeting people;family wise, we’re ok, relationship with friends have been fine, some became tumultouous but then again managed to overcome the threat to ruin a wonderful friendship…in the love department- well at the 1st quarter of 2009 until April ,it had been a blurred one since I think I’ve just encountered a one-sided affair that didn’t last long…but have moved on from that heartache…lessons learned from all those hurts and now became things from the past that whenever you find yourself looking back, you’ll just say I’ve been triumphant to survive all those came my way!…half remaining days of April, God made me meet someone who ahd been there to comfort me during my dark hours…a soul I consider to be heaven-sent as I wasn’t expecting for him to come along that sudden when I was still nursing a broken heart…God must have answered my plea when I can’t take all the hurts I’ve felt before and cried to Him in anguish when my heart was in agony…Mon cheri came along like a glimmer of light on a dark,cold windy night and made my days sunny again…a whirlwind romance developed online, yes, an unconventional one but we don’t care if others judge our relationship as superficial and not possible to happen…my birthday this year was made special by having mon cheri in my once dull and lonely life of solitude and heartaches…I’m not expecting luxuries gifts on my last birthday but was really happy and feel blessed to have someone who made me feel loved and deeply cared for! A birthday card that I received a few days ahead of my birthday  signaled the start of awesome surprises from mon cheri… you could just imagine my eagerness and excitement to open that envelope even though he told me not to open it til my birthday.. I can’t help it..and true to what I’m expecting, it was so special and the most wonderful gift I had this year! Upon holding it on my hands, I told myself, this is for real…he is out there really loving me though we’re far apart…that the love we have for each other is beyond words and time…beyond barriers that separate us…oceans and seas…but we do look at the same sky and wish at the same stars everynight…

Call it by any other name - an obsession is an addiction for something, someone or anything .. A fixation maybe but can it be called “indulgence” too? I can be guilty with these as like any other normal being, I do have certain obsessions.

I consider myself as a passionate person and whenever I have my eye on something, I give it my full concentration.Writing as I’ve always been telling people is my first ever first love ! - my greatest passion! And no amount of andrenaline rush (even the typical highs surging to one’s being when he is inlove) could prove more satisfying than putting down into words the ideas enveloping and swirling on my mind. Writing gives me a perfect opportunity to vent out either inspiring or negative feelings towards any subject of interests to me (instead of consulting a shrink and laying down on the couch for hours anfd for sessions on end) , this is one great outlet for letting loose of yourself and express your oppressed emotions that are like monsters eating you slowly inside.

Chocolait, tsokolat, chocos, chochies, tsokolate- all but the same food for the gods - CHOCOLATE! yummy, delectable - one of life’s ultimate guilty pleasures as my second obsession. Who could resist these- mouth watering, spine tingling sweets? I feel this periodic attacks of gigantic cravings to take a grab of those chocos. (my boyfriend is aware of this). I am one of those souls who were born with a sweet tooth and I’m loving it!Indulge myself once in awhile for life would ne rather dull if I’ll deprive myself of these precious ones! Eating chocolates they say is one alternative you can turn toif one wants to experience the highs of being in love. It makes me feel even more in love…

Horror flicks and horror novels of Stephen King- my third addiction. Living proofs are his countless books lining up my now fully-loaded shelves in my “sanctuary”- my bedroom! Many may shriek at the idea, me being a horror novel fanatic but they can’t truly understand this strange feeling of anticipation as my imagination runs wild upon reading his novels. I’m not a freak nor a creep but I do like the creeps like Stephen King.

And lastly but not the least my greatest obsession- my love, my sweetheart, my boyfriend Brian! He has given my heart a chance to love again- to trust, to love and be loved again…he is one powerful addiction I can’t resist…weakens me and captivates me by the love he is giving me. Love then is my greatest obsession and I do feel lucky!

Got this LSS (last song syndrome) playing on my head after our ex president Tia Cory Aquino was finally laid down to rest Wednesday night. Songs about freedom obtained from our 1986 People Power revolution - “Magkaisa” (Let’s Unite) and “Handog ng Pilipino sa Mundo” (Filipino’s Gift to the World)- songs onveying a nation’s cry and desire for independence from a long time reigning dictator during that time.

Almost every Filipino can’t help but feel nostalgic and sentimental uopn Tita Cory’s untimely death. Watching the live TV  broadcast of her funeral ceremony which ended quite late at night, with all those thousands of supporters, the young and old alike who gathered and flocked all round her casket, unmindful of the crazy weather that befalls them, wearing symbolic yellow shirts, with some images of Ninoy and Cory Aquino on them.- scenes reminiscent of the peaceful revolution once lead by the dearly departed Mother of Democracy…a revolution that awed the world once upon a time and continuously lingers on as years pass us by…

Ninoy and Cory Aquino are truly icons of democracy and freedom in the Philippines and must not just be printed out on new Philippine History books but must be truly honored and given respect with all those hardships and unselfless love for country they have bestowed and given to us and will be handed down for future generations to come…

Have you ever asked yourself what’s the purpose of your mere existence in this world? have you ever wondered what’s your true mission in this life? Life starts at your conception inside your mother’s womb..a wondrous miracle , life springs out of another being…then comes the day you were born and your mom hears your very first cry as tears well up her eyes upon seeing your little countenance and fragile cute fingers… It is said that each and everyone of us have our own purposes here on earth - be it to touch other people’s lives, to inspire others through your words or worthy causes organized; to love and be loved, to dance like there’s no tomorrow; to weep and experience pain… all our paths are intertwining and in every step of the way through our journey, we meet at the crossroads…we are all connected in some ways…what one says or does affects or influences people around him…

Life is a journey - sometimes a short one and can be a long ride too…like pilgrims we travel through life’s highways criss crossroads meeting at some point in time, must part at the corners as we meet other people again.This cycle goes on and on til we reach our final destination…

Life is a constant change too..life is composed of different seasons, each one having distinct characteristics that we may either enjoy or hate…our pilgrimage  through our entire lives entitles us to experience the joys and sorrows this world of us brings.A season of happiness - feeling as if you’re on top of the world not mindful of those around you for you wanna feel that once in your life then suddenly without any clue, a season of grief, surmountable sadness - loss of a lover, family, a friend or loss of a precious job, your bread and butter…your whole world then suddenly collapses before you, as if the heavens closed its gate behind you and you were left stranded and helpless in a deserted island, a dark and lonely place…

Yes, it’s hard to cope up with any loss especially if they mean everything to you…as the pilgrim goes through his jorney, he might lose a thing or two along the way but must move on and carry on his travel and tell himself my time has come and  finally reached my abode! These experiences taught me how to be a stronger pilgrim - to battle life’s up and downs, to face any obstacle that would dare keep me from reaching to my own sacred place…til then my pilgrimage has just begun…

Lately, I’ve been experiencing burnt out from my part time online English teaching job in the morning. almost 3 years of engaging myself teaching English to Koreans…yes, it has been satisfying all along..fulfilling especially when your students appreciate you and they really learn and develop their skills with your help…there are some perks and some difficulties too. maybe, I ought to treat myself out, explore other worlds, go on a holiday and breathe fresher air and be free from all these for awhile…even a two week hiatus or “hibernation” would be fine- a change of environment and a time to really stop for awhile and smell the roses along the way…

Getting up too early in the morning is such a drag especially Monday mornings …I’m beginning to hate or rather dread Sunday evenings for its means a few hours left and oh no! it’s Monday again!…when I should enjoy the cozziness and comfiness of my good ‘ol bed with this cold fine weather, nice to have a lying in and wake up late in the morning…one of life’s guilty pleasures!

It’s not exactly the job that causes this burnt out but rather my longing for more quality time for myself and be free from worries of getting late for work and all those stuffs…this job is the least stressful I had so far as my work life is concerned…what with all other 10 jobs I had before finally settling on this field who interests me most and closest to my wiritng career too- writing articles in English… I consider this as “fun” but serious work where you can enjoy and reap the fruits of your labor- from all that sweat and nose bleeds of teaching students of different levels, from beginners to advanced, from kids to grandparents and what have you…maybe there just comes a time when you feel boredom creeping on you like a vine that’s slowly getting into your system leaving you weak and exhausted; like a battery I need to recharge myself, I think…even for quite a short while spare me please and let me be free!

to love someone is a decision, it isn’t have to be planned nor is it forced to happen…it’s like when you wake up one morning and you suddenly found yourself beaming at the mere thought of that special someone; it’s when you lose yourself to someone and let your fears go and give yourself a chance again to love and be loved…it comes when you least expect it; when you told yourself that you wouldn’t let nobody in again nor let someone steal your heart away and break it into tiny pieces like splinters of shattered glass unable to stick together again…

watching my sweetheart sleep makes me feel good inside..one of the joys I indulge in nowadays (isn’t that fattening nor addictive but a mere pleasure being a guardian Angel)…watching someone  you love even if he’s faraway connects to him as if your’e just beside him watching him in deep slumber…

seeing his serene face, i can feel peace and quiet in my heart. Nobody has ever made me feel this way and as days go by I love mon cheri more and more …

What is being conventional in love? The traditional boy meets girl next door or through match makers? or bumping into someone who’ve instantly swept you off your feet?

The world evolves and people can meet others across the globe despite the barriers of time, distance and whatsoever. Some may cringe at the thought of finding love in one of the most unusual ways- the Internet. But who are they to judge if two people’s feelings are true of not? Some fall inlove with their penpals, text mates so why can’t people fall inlove if they found someone special online?

Yes, there are many opportunists, fools, cheaters on cyberspace but it doesn’t mean all of them there are. If one does get lucky, she may yet to find her knight in shining armor- the one that she has waited for!

You’ve got to be open to endless possibilities and be on guard not to fall into traps of the wicked. I may have broken my heart before by a cheater but I’ve open my heart and self again for a new love…some may not understand what we have but one thing is for sure our unchained melody is true! beyond the Internet, our unchained melody trascends borders, barrier, obstacles and together we strive to work or relationship out. We may be apart but we commuinicate more than the other lovers do.our unchained melody will continue to be in harmony with our two hearts beating as one…

things just happen sometimes at the wrong place and at the wrong time… it so happened when I met you, you’re not free but we felt this certain bond that connects our hearts…I became your constant protector, your confidante, your adviser, your mentor, your Angel on earth…this is not what I have planned it to be…An Angel shouldn’t fall like this but we both know I’m a real human to have these feelings for a dear friend like you…I’m an Angel who has fallen not from the pit but from a love that’s blossoming from a friendship that has started beautifully, surpassed by time, broke all barriers - distance, race and beliefs… in the City Of Angels (one of our fave movies), Nicholas Cage has fallen inlove with a mortal portrayed by Meg Ryan and chose to be with her and stepped out from being an angel and become human to unite with his love…In our case, I’m not a real Angel- but a mortal who has feelings to be dealt with- I cannot be with you for you belong to someone else…that I know from the start but please don’t blame me for feeling this way…I cared for you for the longest time and made you my special friend…you knew you we’re special to me and you even said I was special too…why can’t you admit  to yourself we are not “ordinary friends” and that this thing we had is really special???..you’re committed yes I know but don’t drop me like a hot potato coz you were stung…afraid, been a coward to face the truth that you’ve fallen with me too…but with our without you my life has to go on…with or without you this Angel will still fly high…my spirits might be down now but it will pass and I can lift my wings again…I cannot be with you now or promise I’s be at your side now…your Angel has filed for a leave of absence…the day of my return…I don’t know…with or without me, you can carry on…when the time comes, I’m ready to fly again at your side… you would just know…but for now I must be free and be in a secluded place away from this all…when I return again, I would be a renewed Angel, with wings not broken anymore and a glowing halo above my head…I would be radiant again and glowing and it may take you by surprise…

I’m feeling a different kind of pain, an aching caused by no one but me… start of the Holy Week and I’ve got my own cross and battle to cary on my way to a Calvary I created… from the start I knew this would befall me but as any other human being, I fall inlove and get hurt… when did having feelings like these be wrong?? it’s a natural phenomenon coz I’m a normal person but somewhat stupid and vulnerable in this arena of LOVE. My love, my agony… the love that should’ve made me happy and ecstatic is the same agony that’s causing this pain right now… I cried rivers over my stupidity and wet my pillows and bed… cried out to God why is this happening again when I’ve got so much love to give???I lifted this burden to Him and released my pain and let it all out but in silence- although my wounded heart is shattered into pieces, i will not surrender to my sadness and go on with the usual cycle and phase of healing- my redemption…

Can anyone actually die of a broken heart??If that’s the case, I would have died a hundred times already…in this vast ocean of pain I’m undergoing, I’m slowly getting drowned from the deepest part with no one in sight to rescue me…I got hurt and feeling a different kind of pain…literally, my heart is shattered into pieces…the bruises and wounds of the past are haunting me again…because of my own doing, I’m at this juncture again…the same cycle..over and over again.I fall inlove, I get hurt, I get up but when will this season of heartaches come to an end…I’m a hopeless romantic and that’s my mistake…always disillusioned and my mind is enveloped with false hopes and fairy tales romances- of happily ever after endings…I thought he was my prince but he definitely belongs to someone else and it hit me straight ot my face that i was just a friend to him…how come he tells me he feels something different and he’s confused? damn feelings! I shouldn’t have let these stupid feelings grow like a monster eating me up to pieces! time and again I told myself I wouldn’t fall inlove and get hurt again…but I keep on repeating the same mistakes again… these  hurts made made me a stronger person but I’m afraid there would come a time my heart would finally give in and get tired of loving once more…should I bid dating goodbye?or wait for yet another chapter of love and disappointments?